The last few days I have been doing some reading and research and I have decided to take Steve Harvey’sbook, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, and do a little summary of Chapter 10: The Five Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets In Too Deep for you. These 5 questions will help you realize if you’re wasting your time with him, or if he is worth keeping. Casanova Style…
QUESTION NO. 1: WHAT ARE YOUR SHORT-TERM GOALS?
If you’re going to get into a relationship with a man, you should know what his plans are for his future and measure how those plans fit into what you want for yourself. The best way to do this is to ask him 3 basic questions which answer will determine what approach to take when getting to know someone new:
- Who is he?
- What is it that he does?
- How much he makes?
These 3 things are extremely important to any mature, grown man.
You have every right to know what he’s doing right now, and what he’s planning to do with his life over the next three to five years. His answer also will help you determine whether you want to be a part of that plan or not.
After he tells you his plans you should ask follow-up questions. The more inquisitive and interested you are, the more information he’ll share with you. Say things like: “Wow! How did you get into that field?” or “How interesting! What does it take to make that successful?” And overall listen carefully to everything he says. See, men love to talk about themselves, they do this because they know that in order to win over a woman, they have to impress her.
Now the whole time he’s talking, you should be evaluating whether he’s actually working hard to meet his goals or if he’s just a dreamer who is just talking a whole lot of nonsense and will never take any action. You should also be figuring out if you see yourself in that short-term plan; if you want to be part of it and what role you can play in it, or if you need to remove yourself from that equation.
QUESTION NO. 2: WHAT ARE YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS?
Trust me on this: a man who really has a vision for where he wants to see himself in ten years has looked into his future and seriously considered what it’ll take for him to get there. It means he has foresight, and he’s plotting out the steps to his future. If he says something silly like “I’m just trying to make it day by day,”run as fast as you can. If his long-term plan is the same as his short-term plan, get out. Immediately. Because his answer tells you that he hasn’t thought his life through, or he doesn’t see you in it and so he has no reason for revealing those details to you.
If he doesn’t have a plan for his future, you shouldn’t want to be part of his present.
The man you should consider spending a little time on is the one who has a plan, a well-thought-out plan that you can see yourself in. Because please believe me when I tell you, a man always has a plan.
Once you hear his answer to question #1 and question #2, you’ll have a firm understanding of the kind of man you’re dealing with. Do not tie your life together with a human being who does not have a plan, because you’ll find out that if he’s not going anywhere, sooner or later, you’ll be stuck, too.
QUESTION NO. 3: WHAT ARE YOUR VIEWS ON RELATIONSHIPS?
Now this one is a multiple-part question that sizes up how a man feels about a romantic relationship, from how he feels about his parents and kids to his connection with God. Each answer will reveal a lot more about him. whether he’s serious about commitment, the kind of household in which he was raised, what kind of father and husband he might be, whether he knows the Lord, all of that. And the only way you’ll find out the answers to these questions is to ask. Do it before you kiss him, maybe even before you agree to go on a date with him, this is a great phone conversation, for sure. And don’t be shy or nervous about asking these questions, either, because what are you supposed to be doing with this man if not talking to him? If he has a problem talking about this right here, then something’s wrong.
First, find out how he feels about family. What are his views on it? Does he want a family? How does he feel about children? If you have a child, tell him about him or her, it’s his business to know, but more important, it’s your business to find out if he sees himself being a father. If he doesn’t want kids and you do, then you can stop all of this right now. (Please know that if a man says he doesn’t want kids, he’s probably not going to change his mind, regardless of the intensity of his feelings for you.) Moreover, if he doesn’t like kids and you already have them, where, exactly, is this relationship going?
Next, ask him about his relationship with his mother. A mother it’s the first relationship a man has with a woman, and if he has a good track record with his mother, then chances are he knows how to treat a woman with respect and has some kind of idea of how to profess, provide, and protect not only a woman but a potential family, too. We learn to protect women, provide for them, and we about the basic core of love for a woman from our mother’s. Indeed, if a man is at odds with his mother, it’s a safe bet that he’s going to be at odds with you.
If you hear something like “Me and my mother? We just don’t get along . . .” in his answer, erase his number and texts from your phone and keep it moving.
After you find out how he feels about his mother, ask him about his father. If he had a great relationship with his dad, then he was probably raised with a core set of values that he’ll bring to your potential home together. Now, I understand that a whole lot of men grew up without fathers in their households, I’m myself I’m one of them, but chances are that the man you’re interested in had a male role model in his life who showed him the ropes of manhood, or perhaps the absence of his own father taught him a few things about what he doesn’t want to do when he becomes a father. At any rate, ask questions about his relationship with his father, and his answers are bound to reveal the kind of father he just might turn out to be.
You’re also going to have to ask him about his relationship with God. Let me be direct here: if you meet a man who doesn’t have a relationship with God, he doesn’t go to church and has no intention of ever going, and he has no belief system he can point to as a guiding force in his life, then it’s a problem. After all, what moral barometer does he answer to if not to God? What’s going to make him even consider being loyal to you? What’s going to make him do right by you and the kids? What’s going to make him feel whole? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date a man who doesn’t go to church, or who has a different belief system than you. But if his core beliefs don’t match up with yours, you’re likely to have a problem.
The next two questions should be asked after you’ve been talking and dating for a while. Ideally, ask them before you have had sex. If you have already had a sexual encounter with the man, you can ask these questions anyway. The answers may hurt a little bit more, but at least you’ll know.
QUESTION NO. 4: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME?
Now, this one you’ll have to ask after a few dates because he’s going to need time to get to know you. But his answer will be critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for you are. If you’ve been out on a couple of dates and you’ve had lots of conversation, you know something about him, but what’s more important, you want to know what he is thinking about you. You have a right to know. Oh, trust me, he thought something about you when he first walked up to you, and you need to know what it is. He was attracted to something about you, he didn’t walk over there just to be walking. Beyond the initial attraction, however, men pretty much know if you’re the kind of woman they’re going to sleep with and keep it moving, or if they’re going to stick around and see if they want more. This, you will be able to tell by his answers.
Listen to his answer closely. I assure you this is how it will go, because every man will answer this question the same exact way: “I think you’re great, I think you’d make a great mom, you’re fun, kind, you’re really beautiful, you turn me on, you’re energetic, outgoing, a hard worker, very smart. I think you’re the kind of woman I could see myself with,” all of that generic stuff we know you want to hear.
Still, this isn’t the answer you should be looking for. You want specifics. You want to know that he’s really thought about you beyond the surface. So do the follow-ups. “Oh, you think I’m kind? What about me makes you think I’m kind?” Then sit back and listen. If he can’t give you a concrete example of how you’ve shown your kindness, he’s not really thinking about you beyond the surface. But if he says, “You remember that time when it was my mom’s birthday and you called me and reminded me to pick up a card for her? That was really nice.”
If he tells you he thinks you’re a great mom, make him tell you what it is about you that makes him noticed that you’re a great mom. And so forth with whatever characteristic he attributes to you. The level of his specifics will give you yet another clue into his intentions.
If he can give you specifics, it means he’s been listening and adding it up—he’s determining if he’s going to keep you, if he can see himself in a committed relationship with you. And that could mean that you’re at least on the same relationship page.
QUESTION NO. 5: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?
Now, this is not to be confused with what do you “think” about me. “think” and “feel” are two wholly different things. And if a man cannot tell you how he feels about you after a month of dating, it’s because he doesn’t feel anything for you, he just wants something.
Now don’t get upset if he doesn’t answer right away: he’s got to go into that part of himself that he doesn’t like to go to, and that’s the emotional part. Men do not do emotion well, at all, and expressing it doesn’t come easy. He can answer questions about God and the kids and his mother, but with this question, you’re asking him to look into his soul, and our DNA isn’t made up for the heartfelt outpouring to just anybody.
What you’re looking for in his answer is something like this: “When I don’t see you, I miss talking to you, I always wonder what you’re doing and whenever you come around, I just feel better, you’re the type of woman I’ve been trying to find.”
His answer has to make you feel wonderful. He may not be in love with you just yet, but he’s crazy about you and he’s probably thinking he wants to explore a long-term commitment with you, because when he starts to profess and put you in a position where he can provide for and protect you, he’s seeing a future with you in it. And this is exactly where you want to be with this guy.
The “I think you’re cool” answer isn’t going to cut it here, ladies. And if, after you’ve asked the question you realize his feelings for you don’t run very deep, and that he is not there yet, then you need to not be there, too. Pump the brakes until you start hearing and feeling from him the things that you think are important to hear and feel from a man with whom you’re willing to forge a relationship.
I’m Alex Mercedes and we men are fully aware that we have to answer these questions, and any real man is going to answer them. You may not necessarily like the answers, but he’s going to answer them. If he refuses to answer them, then don’t bother with him. Don’t think that you’re going to work it out later, that you’ll wait him out until he gets more comfortable with you because that would be nothing more than a waste of your time.
If you’re already in a relationship with someone, these questions are still valid if you don’t know the answers. You can ask them for clarification. Or you may need to ask them with the hope that they’ll solidify what you may already know, either that you need to get out of your relationship or that you are headed in the right direction. His answers may help you cut your losses before you invest too many more years in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.